08.24.19 "Adam Ray Day"

About a month after Adam died, Alex found this website called “Ending A Wanted Pregnancy.” This has by far been the most helpful thing for me. They have a support group that is through Facebook. There are over 1,300 other parents in this group. Thats 1,300 people who know EXACTLY how we feel about having to “choose” to abort our son. This group has helped me realize, I’m totally normal in how I feel. Pretty much all the other TFMR mamas out there feel exactly how I do, even though it feels so ABNORMAL to me.

For example, I was so desperately wanting to get pregnant again immediately after Adam died. My midwife said to wait one cycle but after that I would be physically ready to get pregnant. I talked to my therapist who said, “You can do all healing over months and feel ready. But the second you see a positive pregnancy test all of those fears and anxiety will flood back. You probably won’t ever have a good time to get pregnant.” That made me feel better. Those two medical professionals gave me the OK so let’s do it. Let’s try to have another baby.

Over the next month or so I started to really think about having another baby. Why did I want to get pregnant again so quickly? I knew it wasn’t to replace Adam. That was impossible. That seems to be an outsider’s thought when I said I wanted to get pregnant again. I came to realize. I am a mother. I have a crib, baby clothes, stroller, car seat, everything you need for a baby. But I have no baby here. My body aches to have a baby in my arms, even when my heart is broken to have a baby in Heaven. I am a mother with an empty crib and empty arms.

So I put a deadline on myself. I wanted to be pregnant before Adam’s due date, August 24, 2019. That is 4 months exactly after his death. Apparently, this is a timeline a lot of the TFMR moms put on themselves. I don’t really understand it. My therapist says it's because we WANT to be happy. We want to have something to celebrate and something to make us feel hopeful- otherwise all we have is loss.

So I was learning all of the crazy abbreviations: While trying to conceive (TTC), I was talking about what cycle day (CD) I was on. I was tracking ovulation using ovulation predictor kits (OPKs). Better check your cervical mucus (CM) too because when its egg white cervical mucus (EWCM) that’s a sign your ovulating soon. I was baby dancing (BD)- the weirdest way of saying I had sex- at the right times in my cycle. Then after that you have the two week wait (TWW). Then it’s how many days post ovulation (DPO) are you? You should take a home pregnancy test (HPT) after your missed period but you can take a First Response Early Results (FRER) as early as 10 DPO. Hopefully, after all this work you get your big fat positive (BFP) instead of a big fat negative (BFN). Or you can just wait until your period, Aunt Flo (AF) comes and you’ll be back at CD1.

That all sounds fun, right? Imagine that with a timeline after your body has gone through a fairly traumatic ordeal. You just become OBSESSED while trying to remain cool, like you don’t care that much. BUT YOU CARE. I needed to fix the emptiness in my arms. I needed to control and track things. I needed to feel like I had some sort of control over my grief, emotions, and my body. Needless to say, I did not get pregnant. And I felt relieved.

I was not expecting that. I thought I would be sad because I wanted to have a living child so badly. Instead, I felt so happy. Adam’s timeline was his and his alone. I don’t have two babies gestational times overlapping. The next baby, whenever (s)he comes, will have their own time. So to fix our empty arm problem Alex and I decided to book a tattoo appointment on the due date.

The week leading up to the due date was a disaster. I tortured myself. I sat in the nursery for hours. Sitting in the rocking chair Alex’s parents gave us. I looked at the tiny diapers we had. I held, and smelled, the newborn onesies in the dresser we put together. I wept many times. I talked to Adam while holding his footprints. I was angry with God and anyone else I could think of blaming.

After this miserable week leading up to the due date, I decided to let Ree (our tattoo artist) know I was NOT ok. I decided to share my story with her. The full, raw, uncensored story. I thought maybe if she read it, she would understand why I was such a wreck if I lost it at the appointment.

August 24 came. I woke up with my eyes teared up. My body knew. I walked to the bathroom with tears streaming down my face at 3am. I went back to sleep and woke up to Xavi’s snout in my face. I smiled. Alex and I decided we were going to go downtown and get breakfast at Bassett Street Brunch Club. It was delicious. We had a super relaxed morning with zero plans. It was amazing. Then it was time to go to Capital City Tattoo for out appointment. I felt good. I didn’t understand how or why but I was glad.

Alex and I had already had our consult with Ree. She was going to do floral tattoos for both of us. I wanted April’s birth flowers, Daisies and Sweet Peas. I also wanted to add in some Forget Me Nots. Alex wanted to do August’s birth flowers, Gladiolus and Poppy. We both wanted to so a sun (son) with rays coming off as well. Ree could not have drawn our designs more perfect for what we wanted. They compliment each other but are very much individual tattoos. We talked about Adam, life, cats, knitting, and bullet journaling. We laughed a lot and only cried once. We were there until 11:00pm. It was one of the best days. Alex and I left IN LOVE with what she created. She turned Adam into beautiful floral art on our arms- where he belongs- forever.

Ree marked on her calendar that August 24, 2019 was “Adam Ray Day.” I love that. Grateful our first Adam Ray Day was filled with laughter, joy, tears, tattoos, and the best company. It was perfect.